The Story of My Max

I know I am a couple days behind.

On October 5, 2007, I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do. Who to tell. Where to go. This news wasn’t any news a single girl wants to find out. My first thought was—‘How am I going to do this alone?’ I was overwhelmed with thoughts. I told my mom right away. I couldn’t keep it from her, I needed help, and I needed advice. Her advice was adoption. The first thought of adoption, I was scared. We got talking about it and it made more sense financially, the future of the baby, and the importance of having both a mom and a dad

. So, I started on my own looking at profiles on LDS Family Services. That was a bit overwhelming. I had no idea what I was doing. I was only 5 weeks pregnant; I hadn’t contacted LDS Family Services yet. I didn’t know that I was choosing a couple REALLY early in my pregnancy, I thought that was normal.

As I was looking at all the profiles, they all seemed like normal people I would love to place my baby with…Some more than others.

How was I supposed to chose?

I prayed for help. I prayed for comfort. That is when I saw the profile that changed my life. I was curious when I saw ‘Jared and Amanda E54’ (That will make more sense later). It didn’t have blinking and scrolling text. Their pictures weren’t interchanging. It was the only profile with a letter and number next to their name.

I clicked on it.

Their profile was simple and fun to read. Their pictures showed they loved each other very much. They both had steady jobs. I can’t tell you how many times I revisited their profile that day and from there on out.

That next day, October 6, 2007, I sent them an email telling them I was pregnant. I emailed them through the LDS Family Services website and little did I know I just left them my mailing address, not my email address. When I didn’t get a reply in my email, I was thinking they weren’t interested or another birthmother had contacted them already.

I was so eager.

My brother, Kenyon worked with a guy who he and his wife were looking to adopt again. He told me his name, so I looked them up and emailed them…I gave my email out on this one and got an email right back. I had told them that I was pregnant, but wanted a closed adoption. We emailed back and forth for a few days and then I realized how hard that would be for me (at the time) that this guy works with Kenyon and this woman takes her kids into the

pediatrician where Holly works. They would see my baby. I didn’t think I could handle that. Things fell into place and that is when I got a letter in the mail from Jared and Amanda. I couldn’t believe I didn’t give them my email! As soon as I got that letter, I rushed to my computer and quickly emailed them.

Since that letter, we emailed each other about every week. I knew I wanted them to be my baby’s parents. Throughout my pregnancy, I had thoughts that I wanted to keep my baby, but then the thoughts would turn right around and I knew I couldn’t. I made a promise to myself and to Jared and Amanda, that I was having this baby for them. I knew that they had been let down by a birthmother before and I could not do that to them. I wanted to put them on a firm hold, but because I wasn’t far enough along (about 13 weeks) they could only put them on a soft hold. So, for Christmas I gave them a photo album that has a 5x5 slot in the front and put Max’s first ultra sound picture in it and gave that to them and in a card told them I would love for them to be my baby’s parents. They kind of already knew that I had chosen them. ;)

We had our first face to face in the first part of January 2008. They asked me how I decided to choose them out of all the profiles. So, I told them about the ‘Jared and Amanda E54’. It didn’t sound very impressive like the stories some girls have…but it was mine. We didn’t know what the ‘E54’ meant; their casework explained that it is because they are located up in the Farmington Agency. We thought it was interesting and then continued on in conversation. (There IS more significance to the E54…you just gotta keep reading)

At 20 weeks I went in to see the perinatologist. The ultra sound tech was doing the ultra sound checking everything before the doctor came in, taking measurements, etc. That is when she discovered Max had a cleft lip. I was by myself, so I didn’t know how to react. I was afraid, I felt alone, at fault. I called my mom hysterically crying, not knowing what to do. She came over and met me and we talked. My first thoughts when I found this out, I just wanted to take care of my baby. I wanted to hold him, love him, and take care of him. I didn’t how to tell Jared and Amanda about the cleft lip and how they would take it. I called Lauren, my caseworker through LDS Family Services. She then called their caseworker to tell them. I received an email from them the next day telling me that they have felt a sweet spirit throughout my pregnancy and still feel the same sweet spirit.

My next appointment with Lauren (My case worker with LDS Family Services) went really well. After finding out that my baby had a cleft lip, she discovered that the Farmington Agency works the most with clefts and has a lot of resources. Going back to ‘Jared and Amanda E54’.

Maybe my story is pretty amazing after all?

The Lord sometimes works in mysterious ways.

He led me to this wonderful couple.

The Lord had already chosen them to be Max’s parents...I just had to find them.

June 10, 2008

As I anxiously went to my dr.'s appointment yesterday to find out what he was going to do with me and this baby that just seemed to not want to come, he made a decision. Well, it wasn't the babe that wasn't wanting to come after all, it's my body. I have the great luck of not dilating...AT ALL. A week overdue and my cervix still hadn't come forward and the babe still hadn't dropped. I still wasn't thinning and and completely closed. The dr. said he could induce me--putting the gel on my cervix every 6 hrs, then after so long, start the Pitocin (Is that how you spell it???). He said 40% chance I would be able to have him naturally, 60% I would end up having to have gone through all that and end up having a Cesarean. Two of  my sisters never dilate. He said, given that history, he recommended a Cesarean. I looked at my mom, she recommended a Cesarean. This morning at 6:00 am I am having a Cesarean!! 

Yesterday was a weird day. Not seeming real almost. I went to lunch with Aly and walked the mall haha ---my ankles are a little swollen now, that part I won't miss ;) Last night Kenyon and Holly, Weston and Carolyn, my mom and grandma and I went to JCW's for dinner then went to Aly and Nick's where Weston gave me a wonderful blessing of comfort---I'm so grateful to have the priesthood in my family! And I'm so glad Max is going to a family where the priesthood is very important. 

We came home and I got all I could ready for Max's big arrival today. ---If I haven't told you that's what they are naming him, Max Milton...my little M&M--my little Peanut. We just don't know how little he is going to be HAHA! A week overdue! Getting to sleep last night was hard. Waking up to use the restroom, then trying to get back to sleep---I finally just woke up at 3:30 a.m. and have been laying there ever since with restless legs and thought I should let everyone know what's happening and that things are a movin' now :) 

I can't wait to meet this little guy, I have a great love for him. It IS possible to love someone so much that you've never even met. I want to thank everyone for all your love and support throughout everything! I could have never done this alone, especially without my mom. She has been such a great support and has helped me

through thick and thin!

*I stole this picture off Mrs. R's blog cause I LOVE it and I love her blog!

Nada...

Nope. He is still in ma belly. The countdown clocks have come to a close and this little guy just is too comfy in his little hot tub. At 38 weeks, going into the doctor, I thought maybe I would have dropped or maybe be dilated just a little--nada. 39 weeks came crawling up and--zilch. Soooo, I go in 40 weeks pregnant, thinking--OK, he HAS to have dropped, I FEEL him a LITTLE lower and I HAVE to have dilated to SOMETHING!!--nothing. That previous weekend I hadn't really felt him moving a whole lot and being that I was 40 weeks, my doctor wanted me to get a non-stress test. So, this last Tuesday, I went in and my precious passed with flying colors :) They made me another appointment for this morning--which I was hoping that I wouldn't make it and would hopefully have him by today, but I made it haha I have an appointment on Monday with my doctor, so let us hope he can get things going :) 

I am so grateful for Jared and Amanda, for their patience, love and support throughout this whole process! On Sunday they were able to come down and meet my family--all but two of my sisters. The sisters they were able to meet, afterwards were telling me how they felt like they were family! I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father that He answered my prayers and led Jared and Amanda to me.

Oh WOW...

The days are coming. There are only 35 days left. I can't watch A Baby Story anymore...way too freaky. I look at the women on there after they get the epidural and they are still screaming their guts out!!! UMM, excuse me.. I thought the epidural was to help so you're NOT screaming. My caseworker at LDSFS was telling me that sometimes it works and sometimes it takes awhile---well, mine better work...quick...or no one is going to want to be standing next to me. I feel the Braxton Hicks, but to be honest.. I don't know if I have felt a real contraction? Last night I woke up and was doubled over in a pain for about under a minute. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't comfortable. I guess I will know in a few weeks what a contraction feels like and can say or not if that was a true contraction.

My mom is gone once again. She is off to Ohio for my niece, Bella's baptism for one week. At least this time we can keep in touch and she isn't on the other side of the world. :) This morning as I was leaving for work and saying goodbye to her, she patted my tummy and said "You stay in there kiddo until I get back!" I don't think she has anything to worry about, but that would be awful to go into labor without my mom by my side. She has been my #1! If you don't know my mom, you should. She is the sweetest woman you'll ever meet...she's so bubbly and friendly and would do anything for anyone. She works at an IHC Instacare so she knows a lot of people, so when I say my last name, people ask if i'm her daughter and just go on about her how wonderful she is.. Yep, that's my mom :) haha I have to brag because she is my best friend has been nothing but supportive throughout my pregnancy.

She is a wonderful mother of 6 daughters and 2 sons and a loving grandma of 24 grandkids who love her so much!! That was so fun to get together with all the family on Easter, if you want to see more pictures you can visit my sister JanaRae's blog. It includes pictures of when they all went down to Zion's! (which sadly I wasn't able to go--I wasn't up to the hiking at 7 1/2 mo pregnant ;) ) But they are fun pictures to see of the fam all together!!

*Sigh*

I've done it and I know people are now doing it to me. "She looks like she's going to pop!" Well, today at work, it was finally said to me for the first time. An anonymous guy came in today wanting information about our company. He was a very nice guy--very good looking as well. As I stood up to go get someone to help him "more thoroughly", he says to me "Oh, I'm sorry to make you get up". Nah, I get up all day to run errands so I wasn't bothered. As he was leaving, he told me "Congratulations!" as I said "Thank you!" and of course he shot back with "You look as though you're going to pop!" I gave a polite "ha ha, have a nice day.".....It was finally said out loud to me. Sad.

Time...It Sure Does Fly!!!

I cannot believe how fast the time is flying by! This week I am going into my 34th week of pregnancy. WOW! Thinking back when I was just 21 and 22 weeks and thinking that was far along and thinking I was never going to get to the point of where I am now. Where I am now, I'm thinking 40 weeks will never come... It's coming though and it's sneaking up quicker than we think! I am so nervous and excited at the same time. My emotions are all over the place. Of course, who wouldn't be nervous to give birth?!? HELLO!? But at the same time I am so excited to meet this little precious boys face and see his little precious fingers and toes, his little feet that have been kickboxing me all these months.

That is the most current picture of me with my belly looking like it's going to POP! Feeling at times like I'm going to pop too! On Saturday I was preparing the house for my mom's homecoming today by cleaning up the house. I was hoping to sweep, mop, clean the bathrooms, clean the kitchen, vacuum, etc.. I cleaned the kitchen--took a break. Swept half the kitchen--took a break..swept the other half the kitchen. I decided against mopping--I mean it's been me living at the house alone for a week and almost a half...I'm not that messy ;) I just couldn't stand the standing up any longer. So, I decided the cleaning of the bathrooms and vacuuming, that would have to wait til Sunday. It's amazing how once the shopaholic I was...I have no urge, no spark to go out and do any shopping whatsoever. This pregnancy has saved me a ton of $$$ moolah! $$$ Well, speaking of cleaning and my mom, she has been gone for almost a week and a half. My brother works for RC Willey and every year if he sells a certain amount he earns a trip, all expenses paid. This year it was a cruise up the Danube River with ports throughout Germany and Austria (I think..I wasn't informed all that much). But he and his wife just had a baby a month ago--that darling little girl I posted pictures of, Madelyn. So, she wasn't up to going, so he invited my mom. Have they had fun? I don't know. Are they safe? I don't know. When are they coming home? I don't know. I WISH SHE WOULD CALL!!! I know they are coming home today, but I have no idea what time! My brother called my sister in law for about 5 minutes and said it was $.99 a minute...for that price, I know my mom wasn't going to call ;) This week I have been sick with a sinus infection and being pregnant with that is extremely miserable. Not having your mom or someone there to say "Everything is going to be alright" or just to comfort you...well, it gets lonely and it seems like the sinus infection was 10x worse---plus I'm just a baby and need my mommy. I will say that I take my mom for granted and I have missed her soo much and will be so happy when she gets home. I appreciate her so much for all she does. I'll finally have a decent dinner. Haha, JK.

R to the L to the S

RLS...known as Restless Legs Syndrome. Holy. Crap. Have you ever thought you were going to go insane? Well, then you've never had Restless Leg Syndrome!!! At night, I know when it's time for bed because when I'm up with my mom watching TV and my knees or ankles feel like I absolutely cannot hold them still any longer and i'm stretching and nothing for the life of me will work. The worst is when you're driving in the car and it happens in your ankles... there isn't much room to move, you feel like you're suffocating, you take your shoes off but that doesn't help... The best thing in the world is getting out of the car and walking around! OK, OK, so I'm a little weird!

So while I'm on this little rant.. I'm going to continue on :) I've had heartburn before and for those of you who don't get it, I'll put you in that lucky category. Well, since I've been pregnant it's been off and on... but when it's on, it's ON and it's a burn you have to fight with an extinguisher. It seems as thought I wouldn't get it for awhile then I would be thinking, 'I have been lucky, I haven't gotten heartburn for awhile!'.... Then low and behold, a couple days later I would get it. I'm in my third trimester and of course getting bigger and bigger week by week. WOW. Where's the extinguisher when you need one. Can anyone say TUMS??? I absofreakinlutely LOVE them and take them everywhere with me...ooohh I should be a spokesperson! ;) hee hee

The Good and The Bad

I now don't get color as an option on my posts.. hmmm.. I'll just suffer through it I guess ;)
Everyone has their ups and their down days. I hate to be a Debbie Downer. I try to be positive, espically because I know that right now my hormones are wacked and my emotions are always up and down. The biggest and hardest thing for me right now is to see pictures of Ryan. I tell myself that he's out of my life that I don't want anything to do with him, but it's like fix.. I want to see what's going on in his life. I don't get in contact with him, there is no way in hell I would want to after what he has done. But I just want to see what he is up to. I look at his brothers myspace page with new posted pictures and everytime I do, I get so down and frustrated to see that he's having the time of his life and probably never thinks about his past. Im good friends with his cousin and he says he doesn't talk of me but knows that Blaine and I talk. I honestly don't know how one can live with oneself. But then I have to look at it on the positive side. The support that I do have from my family, friends and Jared and Amanda. A lot of people walked away from this situation in the beginning but a lot stuck with me and I'm so greatful for those that I do have to hold onto for support. I don't need Ryan, I never did, it's just very over frustrating for me the way he handled things and what harsh things he said.
On a more positive note I got my hair cut! Is that positive?? I think it is.. I was hesitant at first, I've been thinking about it for a couple months now. It's a new fresh look! I was talking to Carrie (who I work with) and she said that the girl that does her hair wouldn't cut her hair while she was pregnant because of the emotional ups and downs. I was thinking about waiting until after I have the baby, but my long hair was full of dead ends and getting so thin towards the ends I decided it was time for a change and a new look :) My hair is the shortest I have ever had it! No more ponytails in the morning when running late! uh-oh! But I love it!

Spring Fever?

Should I be getting use to this weather? Or am I going to get disappointed one day and wake up to a foot of snow??? I love that the huge mounds of dirty shoveled snow have almost melted and you can see the grass we've been longing to see all winter! You especially know it's spring time when the Easter candy starts coming out on the shelves. Easter also does have by far the best candy. One word.. Chocolate. Dove Truffle Eggs and Cadbury Mini Eggs! Kind of a dangerous time of year...
I am 26 weeks tomorrow! Which means I have about 14 weeks left....Geez, I remember when I was 14 weeks! We're in double digits now with only 99 days left...but who's counting?? ;) He is going to be such a bundle of joy! He is already, and I cherish these moments that I have gotten to bond with him and that I get to for the next couple months and I know that Jared and Amanda will cherish the moments once he's in their home :) He's such a precious boy!

Love and Be Loved

HaPpY VaLeNtInEs DaY!!!! I hope everyone has a great and safe day!
Last night we received one of the worst storms, so bad that school kids at Alpine School District had to spend the night at a school at either Saratoga Springs or Highland, I'm not sure, but WOW! I can't remember a winter like this since I was little, the snow days keeping us home from school, building snow tunnels and igloos! MEMORIES! :D Let's hope that it doesn't melt too quickly and mudslides don't begin...YIKES!! Although, as I was quickly gliding down the hill this morning gripping my wheel at 10 and 2, praying that the car in front of me moves so I won't hit them, I was thinking (after the car moved and I DIDN'T hit them) that what a great summer we will have. What lush grass and full lakes and we will have. In the meantime, if we will just suffer through the swerving and the trucks on our butts, we will reap in the benefits of this snow :)
Have a very Happy Valentine's Day everyone! LOVE AND BE LOVED :)